I often read about Mamas that are ever so thankful to their moms, grandmothers, teachers, etc.... And wonderful dad, grand-dad they had, how much they all learned them important things that made you who you are.
I grew up without any grand-parents (those still alive were not close at all). I grew up without any dad. Not even a step-dad. I grew up without siblings. I went into a daycare that didn't care much for me (and I remember it), went to a school with poor teachers. My mom didn't have a wide range of friends to rely to, and the painful divorce of my uncle shred in
Some woman create a family to recreate what they had; I do so I can finally have what I never had. And my way.
That the tricky part. I love my mom, my in-law and my aunt dearly... But I constantly have to explain my choices! It seems like I do nothing like they did. I'm breastfeeding longer... None of them would have been able to sleep with their babies. My mom uses way too much salt when she cooks... No naughty corner for Mariann when she does something "wrong". So then that's why I'm tired, and that's why she doesn't listen, and that's why Merrick is "glued to me"(and it's such a bad thing).
I know I would not react to an insomniac anxious 9 yr old by threating her to go to the asylum if she doesn't get to sleep.
I know I'm all criticizing the very hard and important work of being a Mother. My mom did the best out of the situation she was in and the tools she had.
I'm just jealous of those of you who have lovely memories of their childhood and all the persons that was there for them.
I remember a few of those lovely times. I remember the way my (diseased) aunt was methodically washing her dishes, just like I do now.
Mostly I remember the Women of my life, alone with their accidents, left, betrayed by a man they loved, struggling to survive the best they could in something they didn't want. I remember feeling like I was too much, and not as important as an adult to be listened to. I remember feeling alone and not good enough. I remember feeling like I was a chore, a responsibility so huge... I had to work on that, a lot. Don't worry, I have some self-esteem now.
So all of this, those are the things I surely don't want to recreate.
I wanted this family so much, I will live it to the max, hoping I'm not failing my goal:
My children will look back at their childhood and say "I was a very happy children, loving life, and so is the adult I became".